PPD (Post-Professor Depression)

When I started this blog, way back in 2012, I intended to share information about local trails and local eats, from across Oregon. This is why the blog is called eatORrun (eating and running in Oregon). My job allows me the opportunity to travel all over this gorgeous state, and I wanted to share local finds.

Unfortunately, these past six years have seen a lot more eating than running. These last two years, in particular, have taken their toll on my health.

In 2016, I made the decision to go up for promotion for Full Professor. I had seen a couple of colleagues in similar positions, with similar levels of productivity, succeed in their own bids for promotion. I decided to go for it.

At this time, I was already a work-a-holic. There was very little division between my work life and my home life. My husband worked evenings, which left me with even more time to cross 'just one more thing' off of my to-do list. My Master Gardener duties regularly required me to attend meetings or teach classes on the weekend. Making the decision to go up for Full Professor meant that I was making the decision to take it up a notch at work.

And I did. I increased my workload in 2016, knowing that I would have to squeeze every last bit of productivity out of myself, and onto my CV. Even after my full dossier had been submitted in 2017, and there was nothing else I could do (except wait), I did not let up. I was afraid to let down my guard, in case I was not promoted. I wanted to be prepared to resubmit an updated dossier in 2018, should I need to.

During this time, 70 hour work weeks were the norm. I kept pushing, and pushing, thinking that it would all get better after I was promoted. I knew that I was sacrificing my health to put more time into my career, but I kept thinking that I would have the freedom to take more time for myself, once I was promoted.

Well, I was promoted in June 2018. Three months post-promotion, my work schedule remains insane. My work life balance is still askew. And, I'm not quite sure why. Theoretically, I should have greater freedom to say 'no' more often, at work. In reality, I take pride in doing a great job at work, and I hate disappointing people.

But, I also want and deserve to live a healthy life. Running has not been a regular part of my life for years. Neither has adequate sleep. I regularly turned to food for comfort from stress. And at 47, it is all catching up to me.

I want to run, again. I want to enjoy healthy, delicious food. I want to catch up on sleep, and to make myself a priority. At the same time, I want to continue doing great work ~ doing good science that contributes to urban sustainability. And, I want to write about it ~ the struggle to achieve work-life balance in academia ~ without worrying that my colleagues or students might read this. In short, I want to do something where I put myself first, after decades of martyring myself for a job.